i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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