everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
