omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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