thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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