I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
