dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
