Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
