i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My feet surprised me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
