this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
