I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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