she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
