I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
