the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need moral support for this bender
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let's get the cat blown out
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
