My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
