Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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