I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
