So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
