my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
