dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
