i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize