i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
