I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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