remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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