he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
