margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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