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So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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