Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
