Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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