Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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