we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
