what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
