How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
