New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
