So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
