I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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