In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
