You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think my vagina is haunted
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
