as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
