im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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