Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
