just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
