I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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