I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
