Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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