Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize