Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
