I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
