I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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