I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
