So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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