I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
BRING THE BAGELS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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