he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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