Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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