the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
