Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's shark week go big or go home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
