i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
