i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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