he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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