apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
