I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
