life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
