I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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