I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
