Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
