I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize