I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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